Underneath Forgiveness
by MissAlyssa108
Summary: It was not in an angels nature to understand Forgiveness. Crowley teaches Aziraphale about it. Based on my first thoughts when I heard the line "but I would always know the stain was there... underneath" in the mini series. Haven't yet read the book but the story as well as the fandom are so amazing I was inspired.
1. Prologue: Musings

Prologue: Musings

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It was not in an angels nature to understand Forgiveness. This was mainly due to the fact that they did not have any first hand experience with situations that would require it, and those that did… well.

Minor infractions were easily cleared up as no angel could conceal The Truth from God, or whomever was above them in the chain of command. Besides, there was a special form for absolution of this sort. Whether the certificate was for one's personal records or momentos, or a kind of papertrail is up for interpretation. No one had ever specified.

Angels supposedly had an objective understanding of Heavenly Forgiveness towards humans. Those who repented in Jesus name, anyway. They always assumed that this only occurred after the individual had suffered sufficient guilt or shame.

And so it was that when Christian sects attempted to combat the sexual revolution of the 60s, HO had implemented some strong propaganda in the form of object lessons about the fragility of virtue such as white roses crushed in the hand, never to be the same again. This sort of ideology had been present in one way or another since the beginning of time, but there was a strong push to strike the fear of God into humanity and protect potential children conceived out of wedlock. Or that was the official reason at least.

It is unclear whose side was responsible for the targeting of religious young women for these shame tactics both in Biblical times and in the Swingin' 60s. One the one hand, creating such a stark power imbalance was sure to create a displeasure that would only fester as the scales tilted further askew as time went on was a recipe for disaster. On the other hand, women had wombs, broadly speaking. If no wombs were impregnated, well that also played conveniently into Heaven's hands as well.

It is an interesting fact to note that Hell could take full credit for birth control.

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AN: I haven't written for years. The line mentioned in the summary really struck a chord with me and I haven't seen anyone else look at it this way. Please review!


	2. 1: Aziraphale's Self Perceived Guilt

AN: Sorry, these short chapters are the length they are as they are separate segments and ideas.

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Aziraphale was, as usual, in a unique crisis for an angel, especially one that was determined not to fall, and had been for quite a while. Millenia. Since The Agreement started, there had been many things he downplayed, if not completely skipped over in his reports Upstairs. Over time, this had put a strain on his emotions as he considered it lying. It was a necessary sin, but a sin nonetheless. As paperwork was to his knowledge the only way to be pardoned, he had long ago resigned himself to the fact he would never be forgiven. Largely because he would not risk his situation on Earth for anything. Not even salvation.

Although he had not Fallen, he knew somewhere deep in his heart that this was no small miracle. Ineffable. As so many things were. In order to enjoy his day to day life, Aziraphale rarely philosophized about his own soul. He actively avoided dwelling on anything to do with his personal salvation, or whatever it was that angels had in store for obedience and long suffering. At least he had the latter down pat. Even so, his guilt constantly was manifest in his worrying and puttering about and otherwise thoroughly distracting himself from any kind of big picture of his destiny.

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"But I would always know the stain was there…. Underneath…"

The stain of the paint on his tan coat. Yes, that was all he meant by it. Nothing else. Certainly, he was not broadcasting his own view of himself and his sins. Surely not. There was much too much to be doing to save the world than have an internal struggle with self doubt and potentially self loathing. Shame was quite a painful thing for something so often employed by his people.

But Crowley had taken the stain away. Maybe if an external force enacted the change, Aziraphale could buy into it. He could trick himself into believing everything was clean and the paint incident forgotten. It made him feel light, and at the same time, extremely heavy and tired. Why couldn't forgiveness work like this?

He supposed it wasn't supposed to. Not for him at least.

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AN: well let's see where I can get this to. Plot progression is not my strongest suit.


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